I think we've gone off Irish Time onto Musicians' Time.

My next door neighbor, Robbie, said he got up and watched "Breakfast TV". I said, "What's that?" He said, "Live at 3". You can figure it out.

Robbie's one of the best session drummers I've ever met. He was Jerry Lee Lewis's drummer on his last European tour. He's played with Phil Lynott, Stepaside, The Regulators and quite a few other groups. He has odd bits of tape floating around various recording studios all over the USA and Ireland. At the time of this writing (autumn 1999) he's in the flat next door to me, above The Manor Bar in Tullamore.  He's responsible for more than a few of the following jokes.

What's a guy called who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

The drummer's revenge:

What's the difference between and drummer and a proctologist?

A proctologist only has to deal with one arsehole at a time.

What's the definition of a gentleman?

A guy who owns an accordion, but won't play it.

What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?

The ability to throw a banjo into a toilet without hitting the sides.

Whaddaya get when you drop an accordion down a mine shaft?

A-Flat Minor.

Whaddaya get when you drop an accordion over an army base?

A-Flat Major.

What's the definition of a button accordion?

Two harmonicas on roller skates.

How do you know there's a singer knocking at your door?

He never knows when to come in.

What's the proper instrument with which to play a Bodhran?

A pen knife.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a Bodhran?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

When you're lost in the desert and come upon two bodhran players, how do you tell the one that's real and the one that's a mirage?

The mirage is keeping time.

What's the range on an oboe?

About fifty yards.

There's an orange and a bodhran rolling down the road. What's the difference between the two?

The orange is probably going to a gig.

How do you terrify a guitarist?

Put sheet music in front of him.

During a concert by The Dublin Philharmonic, some woman from the caterer dropped a stack of plates with a terrible crash. First chair trumpet says (loud enough that EVERYONE hears it) "For f**k's sake, lads, will ye slow down? We're losin' the juggler!"

What's the dfference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A musician won the Lotto. When asked what he was going to do, he said, "I'll keep gigging until the money runs out".

What's the difference between a deer and an orchestra?

On a deer, the horns are in the front and the arsehole's in the back.

A conductor was having an awful time with a percussionist and gave him a dressing-down in front of the entire orchestra. He said that when someone simply couldn't hack it as a musician and all remedial methods failed, they gave him a pair of sticks and called him a drummer.  At which time came a stage whisper from the percussion section, "And when he can't even make it there, they take away one of his sticks and call him a conductor".


Other Humour

You can tell this next one on your favourite bartender. Just change the name.

A lad committed a terrible sin and went to confession. The priest said, "For your penance, you shall take this bucket and empty Galway Bay, one bucketfull at a time". The lad travelled to Galway Bay and began bailing. After three days, he realized the level of the bay was actually higher than when he'd started.

He went back to the priest, told him he thought the task was impossible and asked if there might not be some other penance he could perform. The priest said, "OK, go to Gallagher's Manor in Tullamore and get a free drink from Joe Gallagher"

The lad said, "Give me back that *^%#@** bucket!"

True Story

An American film company was shooting on location in Spain. They had several Spanish carpenters building a set for the film and some Irish actors were waiting around for the shooting to start. Things were going much slower than the Yanks wanted, however, and every time they asked the Spaniards when anything in particular would be done, the Spaniards smiled lazily and said, "Mañana". After several days of this, the Yanks got disgusted and walked off the set. Puzzled, one of the Spaniards asked an Irishman, "How would 'mañana' translate into Irish?" The Irishman replied, "It wouldn't translate at all - we have no concept of anything so urgent".


Famous Last (Irish) Words

Brendan Behan lay dying in hospital, attended by a nun. When he was about to expire, he turned to her and said, "Thank you for your kindness, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop".

Oscar Wilde's last words: "This wallpaper is dreadful. One of us has to go".


Favourite Quotes

"I saw a notice which said, 'DRINK CANADA DRY', so I've just started trying."

-Brendan Behan

"I'll try anything once, except for incest or folk dancing."

-Jeananne Crowley

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