I made burritos a while back. (Nobody here knows how to make them properly.) Took me half a week to suss the proper ingredients for authentic Tex-Mex, but I sorted it, including some fantastic organic ground round and jalapenos. Noel says he knows he's had real Tex-Mex when he gets up the morning after to sit on the toilet and his arsehole goes down for a drink.

What do a Honda 50 and a fat woman have in common?

They're both fun to ride, but don't let yer friends catch ye!

What do a pint of Guinness and a Christian Brother have in common?

1. They're both Irish

2. They're both black with a white collar.

3. If ye get a bad one, it'll tear the arse outa ya!

Why does an Irishman wear two condoms?


If it's nae Scottish, it's crrrrrrap!

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run! Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run, ye bastard, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scottish man, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls." The Scottish man then stood up and screamed, "Walk wi' pride, man... walk wi' pride!"


Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and drops it in the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits it in the pond. This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, "Sandy, these balls cost me a lot of money." To which Sandy replies, "Angus, Lad - if you can't afford to play the game, you should not be out here."

A lad was walking on the beach in Wicklow when he came upon a girl lying in the sand who had no arms and no legs. He walked up to her and asked, "Have you ever been fucked?" She smiled in anticipation and said, "No". He said, "You will be when the tide comes in!"

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